Colonials (2023)

• Year: 2023
• Released: 11 Apr 2023
• Country: United States
• Adwords: N/A
• IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9600274/
• Rotten Tomatoes: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/colonials
• Metacritics:
• Available in: 720p, 1080p,
• Language: English
• MPA Rating: N/A
• Genre: Sci-Fi
• Runtime: 80 min
• Writer: Joe Bland, Cyrus Cheek
• Director: Andrew Balek, Joe Bland
• Cast: Daniel Roebuck, Sean Kanan, Jamie Bernadette
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	3.8/10
	42% – Critics
	42% – Audience

Colonials Storyline

Silas, a space colonist from Mars, embarks on a reconnaissance mission to Earth to figure out what happened to the ‘humans of old’. The Exiles (an evil and advanced Moon-based- civilization) intercept Silas’s squad and destroys their ship just outside Earth’s atmosphere sending Silas crashing to Earth alone. Having lost his memory upon landing, Silas must figure out who he is and what his purpose on Earth is before the Exiles locate and destroy him.

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Colonials Movie Reviews

This was just downright terrible…

Right, well the poster/cover for the 2023 sci-fi movie “Colonials” definitely seemed interesting, plus the movie’s synopsis also seemed interesting. And that was essentially sufficient to make me sit down and watch “Colonials”, and usually I am not overly keen on sci-fi movies.

And after suffering through 18 minutes of this movie, I gave up. I simply just couldn’t take more of the dumpster fire that was “Colonials”. Seriously, how does something as atrocious as this get to see the light of day in 2023?

The storyline in the movie, well based on the synopsis seemed okay. But after just 18 minutes of laughable CGI and insanely wooden acting, I have to admit that I don’t know what the storyline was about. Nor do I actually care anymore.

The acting performances in “Colonials” were wooden, rigid, sluggish and amateurish. And everything was filmed at a green screen, and it was painstakingly obvious. I gave up on the movie after watching leading actor Greg Kriek (playing Silas) perform the most laughable scream of terror ever performed on screen whilst inside an atrociously rendered CGI vehicle.

Needless to say that I wasn’t familiar with the cast ensemble, not that there were a lot of performers on the screen in the 18 minutes of sheer torture I sat through. But I perused IMDb after turning off the movie to check who was on the cast list. Not a single familiar face or name on the list.

Now, what really amazed me about “Colonials” was the God awful CGI that was used for virtually everything in the movie, aside from the actors and actresses that were on the screen. Everything was green screen. Terrible green screen, mind you. The CGI was flat, lacking texture and just moved in rigid and awkward manners. It looked worse than a PC game from the 1990s. It was, actually, so horrible to look at that it just drained away all will to watch the movie. How does such horrible CGI get a thumbs up in 2023?

I doubt that even the most hardcore of sci-fi fans will actually get any enjoyment out of watching directors Andrew Balek and Joe Bland’s 2023 movie “Colonials”.

This was without a doubt the worst movie experience of 2023 so far. The best thing about this project from writers Joe Bland and Cyrus Cheek was actually the cover/poster. This is definitely not a movie that I would recommend you waste your time, money or effort on.

My rating of “Colonials” lands on a well-deserved one out of ten stars.

cliche: {n} betrays a lack of original thought.

It misses on all accounts. The result is a more than disappointing story suited better to a high-school production.

The direction is static and the acting wooden (granted they didn’t have a good script to work with) giving the impression you are watching a lego movie. Below par overacting and underwhelming story-line with a under average ‘green screen’ poorly masked by overpowering color-correction, that is distracting as it cuts from green light to pink to purple and orange.

Disappointing to say the least. There’s a reason George Lucas was able to create a classic on self-funded budget – he had good bones to flesh out the characters. I was not even half way and was rooting for any of them.

Could have been so much more, if geared to adults!

The scifi aspect of this film could have been better if a bigger budget allowed for more than half of the film where real people were portryaed. The other half plus looked like cartoons, and it’s very obvious. Characters that should have been portrayed as stronger were cast as whimpering little girls, and these are the guys I’m referring to. Script jumped around and forward too far to feel like a story was being told and each chapter seemed like it was shot without continuity present to fuse the scenes together for the director. Must have been past the directors bedtime. They tried to tell too much story into a small time frame and it really felt jerky. Star Wars it isn’t, even though it appeared they were trying many aspects of it to draw in viewers (eg: prime villian in a black exoskeleton suit from head to toe). I had to get up a few times and didn’t feel like I missed anything, dsolate planet, evil warlord, hero stops crying and remembers everything, big evil space station blown up, and hero’s on the way to help! If you watch the characters you’ll see the odd shimmer along their edges for the green screen while the cartoon backgrounds move along. Starship Troopers was a better production value than this as well as a better story. This all being said by a devout scifi fan for most of my life. I gave them 3 stars for showing upi to read the lines.