Elf Bowling the Movie: The Great North Pole Elf Strike (2006)

Have I already seen all the good animated movies?

It might not be Christmas but…wait what am I saying? All the stores have their Christmas stuff up anyway! Anyway, I feel bad for not knowing anything about the Elf Bowling flash game that this was based on. I’ve written over 16,000 Newgrounds reviews. You’d think they would have it! Anyway again, this was based on a flash game which from what I heard was nothing about bowling with elves as the pins. They decide to change this to make Santa a pirate for no reason. What do pirates have anything to do with Santa Claus? And what they do have anything to do with bowling? They took an idea that was already a weird version of Santa and made it even weirder. Oh, and the pirates only appear for the first four minutes in the entire film.

Yes, there is absolutely no reason at all to make Santa a pirate. It’s even more pointless than you think. Anyway, Santa has an evil brother named Dingle in this movie. Somewhere around 600 AD, he started delivering toys to all the people in the world. Well originally it was going to be he’d deliver them every day, according to this movie. He convinces the elves to narrow it down to just one day a year. That’s incredibly stupid. Nothing important happens to Santa Claus for literally 1400 years. It’s only at this point that Santa decides to kick Dingle out because he’s still been committing crimes for over a thousand years. Took him long enough, I guess.

Dingle tries to take over Christmas by challenging Santa to a bowling game where he cheats and gets disqualified. He doesn’t get punished for this, so this is all completely pointless. In fact, you could have literally ended the movie right there are that point and nothing would have changed at that point. This movie is so bad it even gets the dates wrong. It keeps saying that Dingle has been around for 600 years even though he’s been there for 1400 years. Can the writers of this movie not even count? There’s a later part where they say they’re off by six billion toys, but then they say they’re off by eight billion toys. Was no one paying attention to this movie in the slightest? Dingle causes the toy factory to blow up which creates a wave freezing Santa who for some reason is making a “Home Alone” face. He relocates to Fiji and finds this woman who wants him for his money. She serves no purpose in this whatsoever. Santa returns and challenges Dingle again. He cheats again and gets disqualified again. What’d they even do this? They should have known the exact thing would happen before.

Oh, and there’s this magic orb that this one elf named Lex uses. It turns out he actually had the magic in him the whole time and didn’t need the orb! Then how is Dingle able to use the orb? It was proved the magic came from Lex, not the orb. Oh, and Dingle’s girlfriend is defeated by feeding her strudel. Yes, seriously. They were somehow able to make billions of toys in only a few minutes at the end. Either that, or they did it with Dingle’s help which is also dumb considering he’s supposed to be the villain.

This is one of the worst Christmas movies, worst animated movies, and worst video game movies of all time. I haven’t even mentioned how the CGI is horrendous. Every character looks like a melting marshmallow and the CGI looks like it was made in 1994. When you see the characters close up, they come off as even scarier. Okay, I guess this isn’t as bad as “Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny”, but it’s close. I am so glad I’m here to warn people of the films of any kind you should avoid. Dang, I wrote a lot. So many online critics have reviewed it and it’s easy to see why. Half a star

Elf Bowling the Movie

0/10. Pirates and Santa aren’t a good mix, guys. I seriously feel sorry for whoever thought different.