The Sex Adventures of the Three Musketeers (1971)

• Year: 1971
• Released: 16 Feb 1971
• Country: West Germany, Switzerland
• IMDb: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067739/
• Rotten Tomatoes: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_sex_adventures_of_the_three_musketeers
• Available in: 720p, 1080p,
• Language: German
• MPA Rating: R
• Genre: Comedy
• Runtime: 79 min
• Writer: Erwin C. Dietrich, Alexandre Dumas, Tanya Scheer
• Director: Erwin C. Dietrich
• Cast: Peter Graf, Ingrid Steeger, Nadia Pilar
• Keywords: erotic movie,

3.1/10

The Sex Adventures of the Three Musketeers Storyline

Having grown up on his father’s farm among pretty, voluptuous women who only try to seduce him, innocent fourteen-year-old D’Artagnan has gained enough experience with the help of the female residents. As a result, young D’Artagnan decides to pursue his dream to become a royal musketeer in Paris. However, the road to the big city is long and fraught with temptation, and it quickly turns out that the Three Musketeers, too–Athos, Aramis and Porthos–are more interested in buxom serving girls and noble ladies.

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The Sex Adventures of the Three Musketeers Movie Reviews

The worst musketeer film you’ll ever see

“Die Sex-Abenteuer der drei Musketiere” or “The Three Musketeers and Their Sexual Adventures” is a West German German-language movie from 1971, so this one had its 45th anniversary last year. The writer and director is Erwin C. Dietrich, the infamous Swiss filmmaker who also worked with Jesús Franco on many occasions. But when he did not then the thriller/horror element is not existent in his works, like in this one here. This is really all about the sex and the comedy. Sadly, the sex is not inspiring and the comedy is never funny. The good thing is that basically every guy no matter which hair color he prefers will see something that suits his taste. The sad thing is that honestly all the girls in here with 2-3 exceptions max look really wasted unaesthetic and downright slutty. Huge turn-off and as this is the case the fact that they are almost always naked is not helping matters at all. The film runs for slightly over 80 minutes and at this runtime, it dragged a lot. Story, good acting and convincing plot developments / performances are basically non-existent from start to finish. The most known cast member is probably Ingrid Steegr who sure was/is voluptuous, but this is far from enough to let me recommend this mess of a movie. Certainly one of Dietrich’s worst and that says quite something. Stay far far away.

some endurance test

I’ve been happily working through my Ingrid Steeger box set and generally being very pleasantly surprised at the content and although The Lustful Turk turned out to be a bit of a turkey, at least the lovely Ingrid’s efforts kept the film afloat. Not so here, I’m afraid, partly because she is not given enough to do and all that she is given is what everyone else is given – instructions to strip off lay down on top of each other and pretend to copulate. Wow, what a winner! I can’t believe that even in the 70s that either the sex or the silly musketeer buffoonery would have been appreciated, but certainly today this appalling non movie is some endurance test. Ah well can’t win them all and the score of two is for the rather surprising but brief whipping scene and for Ingrid peeling back the leaves of the corn on the cob.

Junk

D’Artagnan is on his way to join the musketeers, only to find out to his disappointment that their life is more a life of debauchery than one of heroic deeds. That is the idea underlying this film, and as far as ideas for sex films go it is a fairly good one. Sadly, this is just about the only ‘fairly good’ thing about this movie.

The content had not been developed beyond that initial idea and so neither d’Artagnan nor the movie are really going anywhere. To fill the minutes missing from feature film length, scenes from another film (probably an unfinished one) have been edited into this flick and are sold to the viewers as stories told by the musketeers.

On the goof side, the scenes showing the musketeers riding through the woods not only fail to show the horses (except in long distance shots), indeed the camera angle allows the viewer to spot the top of the contraption on which the saddles are mounted – and it’s neither alive nor moving.

It is also noticeable that the cinematographers didn’t use a dolly – in this films camera movement is always in angles, the camera never follows an action.